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Inner~Outer Beauty- 01-09-08

How To Know If You Have An Anger Problem

By John H. Lee

Having an "anger problem" may mean that you express anger in harmful, destructive ways, not that you experience anger. That seems to be part of the human condition, and we need to be able to appropriately express anger. If your anger is hurtful to you or others, you may indeed have an "anger problem." Take a look at this list and see if it applies to you.

1. People often say you are angry; especially the people who know you well.
2. When you get angry, it's always someone else's fault. (The kids are being too noisy, your spouse is late again, the boss didn't appreciate the work you did, etc.)
3. People tell you to lighten up, relax, take it easy, have a drink or try a Valium.
4. You drink alcoholically, take drugs, or engage in addictive or dangerous behaviors.
5. You become angry while driving, this includes pointing at another driver with the second finger or cutting off another car.
6. You hit your children, your spouse or animals. Hitting can be accomplished with many different weapons, not just the hands. Whether you use your hands, words or a belt, get immediate professional help.
7. You have a rigid body structure; your neck and shoulders are tight and sore.
8. You have ulcers, insomnia, high blood pressure or frequent tension headaches.
9. You always have to win arguments or get in the last word.
10. You find yourself sleeping in a different bed than your spouse.
11. Animals and children hide from you or cross the street to avoid you.
12. Co-workers, spouses or children keep secrets from you because they are afraid of your reactions.
13. You act out anger without stopping to think how your words or actions will affect other people.
14. You have multiple divorces.
15. When someone makes you angry, you emotionally withdraw or give them the "silent treatment."
16. When someone hurts you, you become obsessed with hurting him or her back. You may even take pride in your ability to "get even."
17. Forgiveness is almost impossible.
18. You never say you are sorry, except in a sarcastic voice.
19. Your children don't return your phone calls.
20. Your family or roommate encourages you to go to work, the gym or anywhere else just to get you out of the house.
21. Reading this list makes you angry.

Misleading Information About Anger
Many psychologists and counselors are confused about this most misunderstood emotion. One of the main reasons for this gross misunderstanding is because these professionals are confusing anger with rage. Once we stop using these very different-meaning words interchangeably, then anger will no longer be the crazy uncle in the family of feeling and thus no longer need be avoided.

Expressing Anger Creates More Anger
Some well-intentioned psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and spiritual leaders claim letting out our anger creates and perpetuates more anger. This is true only if the person is a continuous rageaholic, and most people aren't. Many professionals are afraid of anger, both their own and other people's, so they have a vested interest in their clients suppressing their anger. If a grieving man cries gallons of tears, it doesn't make him cry even more. He weeps until the water in his grief well is dry. A woman doesn't avoid laughing at a joke because she is afraid she'll never stop laughing! When allowed to run its natural course, every emotion has an end.

Expressing Anger Is Dangerous
Some people who are anger-phobic claim getting angry increases the blood pressure and strains the heart. In twenty years of facilitating the appropriate release of anger I've never seen anyone die from high blood pressure or stroke at an anger workshop. However, I bet you have known someone who died full of anger, and you were sure their high blood pressure and heart disease were caused by all those years of pent-up emotions. I'm not a physician, but I can tell you that for the years I have practiced the methods discussed in The Missing Peace and Facing the Fire I've seen thousands of people express and release their anger, then celebrate as their blood pressure went down. They slept better, medicated less often, ground their teeth less, had fewer nightmares and felt and expressed love more readily. They were finally allowed to express their feelings. Indeed, anger expressed appropriately equals energy, intimacy and serenity.

Anger Is A Chameleon
Most genuinely compassionate psychologists believe anger is a secondary emotion and, therefore, not even real. What we are really feeling, they tell us, is not anger at all, but perhaps fear or sadness. Remember, therapists are people too, people who learned that anger equals pain, just like you and I did. They may encourage you to "understand" your anger or "go for the feeling that anger is covering up." At best they tell you "to say more about this." And rarely will tell you to face it, feel it, express it and release it.
At Hanley Center's Center for Men's Recovery, http://www.hanleycenter.org for example, the terrain of anger is explored in a safe environment, where men learn to explore issues and express related anger.

Caution: Danger Zone
Bill was a client who had been married and divorced four times. When his wives were angry he used to say to them, "Now just calm down. We can discuss this like two intelligent people. If you don't calm down right now, I'm out of here." What was wrong with Bill trying to calm them down so they could discuss the matter? The ex-wives just wanted to feel their feelings and express them-it's called communicating. Bill interpreted their normal expressions of anger as a threat, because he associated anger with being hurt.

Don't Feel!
Most alcoholics and addicts learned at an early age not to show their feelings. Many men and women are embarrassed by their emotions and avoid displaying them in public at all costs. Many of the men I've worked with have said things like," I haven't cried publicly since I was seven years old." Many men have bought the lie, "Big boys don't cry."

Nice Girls Don't Get Angry
Many women are afraid to display anger because they were told: "It's not nice;" "It's not pretty;" "It's not polite" and "Good girls don't get angry." They have been called "ball-busters" and "bitches." Women have just as much right to their anger as anyone. I repeat, women have lots of reasons to be angry. Women didn't even get the right to vote until 1920, and they still get paid two-thirds of what men do for the same jobs.

Reality and Acceptance
Alcoholism and addiction, among other things, is rage acted out by people who have been angry for a long time and been encouraged not to feel it, threatened not to feel it and, thus, afraid to feel it. Most alcoholics and addicts have a lot of anger about how different they are, things are, situations are, and people are as opposed to the way they want themselves, others and situations to be. There is a huge space between what we want to be and what is, and that space is filled with alcohol and drugs, people and processes. That space between the way it is and the way I would like for it to be could be filled with anger, grief, acceptance and then love. However, most of us were not taught how to express our anger, or how to "accept" people, places and things as they are. So we may drink and drug in lieu of this acceptance.

Excerpted in part from John Lee's most recent book The Missing Peace: Solving the Anger Problem for Alcoholics, Addicts & Those Who Love Them (Health Communications Inc. 2006.) This book and others by John Lee are available at Hanley Center Bookstore or go to John Lee's web site at www.jlcsonline.com.

John Lee is an acclaimed author and therapist who works with Hanley Center, a premiere treatment center for alcohol, chemical an other addictions in West Palm Beach, Florida, http://www.hanleycenter.org John Lee first became famous for raising men's emotional issues in the late '70s, and his book, "Flying Boy" became a national best seller. His latest book is "The Missing Piece: Solving the Anger problem for Alcoholics, Addicts and Those Who Love Them."

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