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Twentysomething Rite of Passage

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December 16, 2010

in Parents

Parent guest post by BJ Flagg of Nurenu Brand Marketing

My twenties began with my dad sitting me down on the couch spring break, senior year in college and saying, “You’re graduating in May and you need to decide where you are living, what kind of job you want and just make sure Mom and I know when you are moving out. That conversation was hard to understand at first but then I got my plans together and it actually turned out fine.  My girl friend and I moved to Burlington, Vermont, to be closer to my boyfriend and had two-to-three jobs to make the rent and buy food. I only remember how fun it was and when the year was up, I came back home to live at home for a month before getting married. It was hard at first but I still had brothers and sisters at home so the house rules were non-negotiable. Since it was brief I was okay with it. My mom and dad were masters at boundaries.

My first experience with a 20 year old under my roof was a much more stressful experience. My eldest daughter has special needs. Since she was 14, her goal was to live on her own. That created a real issue when it was her younger brother who was the first to leave for college and live on his own. All she wanted to know was when was she moving out. Conveying the rules were dicey, she loved to be up watching shows at all hours and she needed rides to all her busy social engagements. When she did move out at 22 to a group home, we were all so much happier. She did a lot of growing up that first year and now tells me if it’s a convenient day to get together. Glad to see the bird is happy away from the coup.

My son was a harder experience for me. I felt I didn’t keep the boundaries clear and when they were tested by peer influence and curfews were blown, as the single parent, I was constantly letting the hammer drop. My son took a year off from college after his second year and chose to move to Colorado and live on his own. That was the best thing he could have done. My brother lived only a half an hour away, just in case, but he never needed the help. I was so glad he was able to prove to himself he could do it and the experience also showed him how important finishing school would be. He did come home for the summer but we were both different people. I respected his ability to live on his own and make good choices. Also, he was a big help as an adult in our household. The takeaway was I saw a boy go out to Colorado and got a man back last May. Now when he comes home it’s a pleasure, always a brief visit but so fun. Great to see both of them thriving.

I still have one more daughter to get through high school and college but I can tell I’m handling things much differently. That will be an easier transition and she can thank her siblings for that.

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